Warning: This post contains graphic images of horrible cystic acne filled with pus... You've been warned. If your image of me has drastically changed, so be it. I'm still in the recovery process, just please don't spread hate. I am already taking a lot of courage to post and share this with everyone.
I was not born with perfect skin or a pretty face, but like every girl out there, all I ever wished for is to have a flawless face - One that would not cause me any form of embarrassment or low self esteem.
If you're new to my page, you probably wouldn't know that I suffer from Acne. Since I was 14, I was already struggling with Acne and ever since then, I have never seen myself blemish-free.
Now that I'm 20, I find it tougher to live my life. Even though I have made a video on my Youtube channel, sharing with my followers and subscribers how I remain confident with Acne, there are still days where I feel like complete crap. I am not trying to say that I lied in the video, I will never lie to you guys. It's true that I do not wear makeup to cover up (unless important events), and it's true that I don't pity myself. But... Sometimes when you meet with pushy sales assistants or when you're out for a meal, all these strangers would just come up to you, either recommending you products that claim to heal acne or recommending you doctors/dermatologists/medicines/natural remedies....That could be quite tough to handle.
It's all these things that add up that crush you because you know that when people see you, they first notice your major flaw - your face. And that is the only ONE thing that you wish people would not talk about or notice. Of course, it's hard for them to do that since your face is uncovered and all the red spots and scars are constantly being exposed. Sometimes, wearing a mask could help save you 60% of the trouble, but the other 40%.... Not so lucky... People are just TOO observant.
Now you are about to see images that I never planned on showing the world....But just to let you have an idea of how my acne has affected my self esteem and confidence... This is really nerve-wrecking for me (please don't judge or hate, I'd really appreciate that)
I wore a mask out on Saturday and I did a little experiment. I headed out after lunch to run some errands, and since the brow house where I usually visit to thread my eyebrows was around the corner, I thought why not just head for a session since I have an important event the next day (my cousin's wedding and I'm a bridesmaid). I hesitated for a while because whenever I visited their brow house, the staff there would always have questions about my face, followed by recommending me their facial packages. I did not feel like going through that whole cycle again, but I guess I ignored that voice in my head.
That's when everything started (and why I decided to write this post).
The lady that did my brows immediately exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE! IT'S SO RED AND OMG HAVE YOU SEEN A DOCTOR? THIS IS SO SERIOUS! IT'S YOUR ENTIRE FACE THAT'S BEING AFFECTED! OMG!" when she walked up to me. Yup, not lying about this one. She really said that in mandarin to me. I hated it. I wanted to cry. I know sometimes people are helping out of goodwill because, they too, want me to heal from acne, but sometimes I wish people would not talk to me about any treatment whatsoever.
Of course I know I have acne, and of course I know that it's serious. But don't you think I would already be seeking help? Why rub it in? This is my opinion and I'm not trying to spread hate or anything, but sometimes people don't realise that the things they say to someone suffering from any sort of disease could actually lead to depression/lower one's self esteem.
They didn't know how affected I was and how frustrated and annoyed I was to be constantly hearing negative remarks about my skin condition. They just went on and on, recommending me their facial package and telling me how effective their treatment was. It wasn't until a few minutes later when the boss personally walked up to me, showed me some progress and results photos of their customers. I hated how they wanted me to start their treatment immediately. I hated how they wanted me to sign up on the spot. I hated how they wouldn't stop talking about my face with other customers around. I hated how I got the entire shop's attention on me. I hated myself and I hated my skin.
No matter what sort of excuses I came up with, they just wouldn't give up. They even called a customer suffering from the same condition I was, to tell me about how happy she was with the treatment. But, the customer just sounded like she was being forced to tell me how effective it was!? In my heart, I just couldn't believe that they are going through this huge extent just to make me sign a package with them. Perhaps they really wanted to help me, but just please don't touch my face? I had enough of facials leaving me scars and I just had enough of everything. After 20 minutes, I managed to leave the brow house. But, I left feeling sorry for myself.
Once I stepped out, I immediately wore a mask and then I felt better because all eyes weren't on me anymore. Or so I thought......
I walked into Guardian (a drugstore in Singapore), to find the highly raved burdock root tea - I have been searching for it for a while but to no avail. I was wearing a mask, just walking around and trying to avoid all the sales assistant because I know they would be ready to jump on me, to recommend me commercial products for my skin. And I was right. This lady immediately went up to me and asked if I wanted any recommendations to help treat my skin. Said no with a smile and walked out of the shop immediately.
I am not sure how long this will last, and I'm not sure how long I will continue to receive remarks about my skin from strangers, colleagues and even my family members, but I hope all this will come to an end soon. I want to continue creating content because I enjoy it. I don't want my physical appearance to be a major barrier for me.
A little note: If you ever thought of going on the pill (antibiotics/acutane), I would highly advise you NOT to. Once you're off the drug, the problem comes back.... WORSE. Take my learning experience as a lesson for all of you. I have been off and on the drug numerous times and caused my body high damage. Do I regret taking them? Yes, definitely. So please girls/guys, just eat a healthy diet, live a healthy lifestyle and let your skin heal naturally. It's honestly the best form of remedy.